Writing and Humor

A collection of bits and pieces that should be of interest to writers, teahcers and parents. Emphasis is on humor, but there are also items involving family and general philosopy. Comments are welcome from anyone.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Love and Marriage
As told by 5-year-olds to 10-year-olds

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

• "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."-- Judy, age 8

• "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" -- Tom, age 5

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

• "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10


• "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kelly, age 9

• "The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

• "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" -- Lynette, age 9

• "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

WHY LOVE HAPPENS

• "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."-- Jan, age 9

• "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

• "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Harlen, age 8


ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

• "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- Roger, age 9

• "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Leo, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE


• "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Jeanne, age 8

• "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7

• "Beauty is skin deep. But, how rich you are can last a long time."
-- Christine, age 9

WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

• "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. -- Gavin, age 8

• "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- Jennifer, age 9


CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

• "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." -- Anita, age 6

• "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."-- Bobby, age 8

• "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. -- Regina, age 10

• "Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

• "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."
-- Carey, age 7

QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

• "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8

• "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8

SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

• "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

• "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9

• "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French-fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9

• "Shake you hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9

• "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there. -- Manuel, age 8

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

• "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9

• "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8

• "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."-- Christine, age 9

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU"

• "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." -- Michelle, age 9

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

• "You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7
• "It might help to watch soap operas all day." -- Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

• "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." -- Jean, age 10

• "I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." -- Dave, age 8

• "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6

• "The law says you have to be 18 years old, so I wouldn't mess with that."
-- Curt, age 7


REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

• "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

• "I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

• "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10

• "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8

• "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

• "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -- Tom, age 7

• "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 6

• "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Randy, age 8