Poetry is a neat way to express yourself. The first in this post makes light of pessimism. I've never really been pessimistic about anything, and I feel that it is such a waste of time. The second is a total contrast since it is about family and it emphasizes the roots of the past which sustain us in the present.

The Pessimist

There are those who fill the world with light.
A song in the morning and a smile at night
But I’ve been around, and I still insist
There’s much more support for an optimist.

Take for example a simple glass of wine
When we drink a portion, what do we find?
Some will say a “half-full” glass is plenty.
But others, like us, know it’s “half empty.”

It’s no trouble to put this idea to a test.
Just place the glass on a table at rest.
You’ll soon verify the words I have spoken.
The glass is not only “empty,” it’s also broken.

To a pessimist, Murphy’s law is active still:
“If anything can go wrong . . . it will.”
And if all appears to be going by the book,
There’s got to be something overlooked.

A toaster reinforces the view I’m getting.
The end result is not affected by the setting.
The bread will be black or at least dark brown.
And, when dropped, it falls “jelly side down.”

Unless you step on it or drop your coffee cup.
Then the bread will have fallen “jelly side up.”
Remember—things get worse before they get better.
And who said that things would get better?

When you by a season pass for a team you like,
The stadium closes and the players go on strike.
A final arbitrator is called to give his finding.
It’s not just the “arbitration” that is binding.

In tennis, you will always serve into the sun.
And it rains only when you’re winning five to one.
If you play golf, you might as well admit it.
The ball stays on the tee until you try to hit it.

You think my experiences are aberrations,
But events are affected by my expectations.
It seems, the more I lose, the less I miss.
I guess I’m doomed to be a pessimist.


Family

The strength of a mighty oak
Is not as simple as it appears.
It springs from the roots and
The soil of its younger years

The measure of a man and a woman
Is not what it seems to be.
It is nurtured and developed through
Love, communion, and family.

---Paul E. Tippens

The Master Teacher

Well, I'm back from a one-week vacation at Hilton Head Island in South Georgia. Joyce and I had a great time in spite of a little rain. Still, it's good to get back to this blog in which it is my pleasre to provide samples from past writings. You are also encouraged to click on the links to find some of my efforts in the area of short stories. The poem which follows comes from an old story of unknown origin. As a teacher, this story was always a favorite of mine, and I thought it would be neat to present it as a poem.

The Three Thieves

Three thieves were found guilty by the king,
And each was sentenced to die by evening.
Gut in a classic example of elocution,
One thief was able to stay his execution

“Good King, if you will spare me right here,
I will teach this donkey to talk in one year.”
The other thieves laughed, and thought him insane,
But he knew four things to ease his pain.

First, he reminded them that they would not survive.
While he, at least for the present, would be alive.
Secondly, the donkey may drop dead from the strain,
And he would be given another year to retrain.

A third possibility is that the King may cease to be.
Whereupon, the prisoners are often set free.
And finally, just to put an end to your squawk,
I just might teach that damn donkey to talk!

Educational Humor -- From My Dad

My Dad taught English and Mathematics in High Schools for a thousand years, and he was a high school principal for at least half of those years. There are many stories that he shared with me over the years. I always enjoyed the one submitted below. By the way, my wife and I are heading to Florida for a one-week vacation, so there will be no more posts to this site for a while. Tune in again at the end of the month.

THE SYSTEM

My Father was an English teacher who prided himself on being able to reach even the most poorly prepared students. One student, Charlie Cook, was really struggling with such things as subject-verb agreement, tense, irregular verbs, and pronouns. Dad had a series of professionally prepared practice exams that listed mostly two choices and occasionally three. Two examples are: The gentlemen (was/were) very happy; and Please (lay/lie) the book on the table.

It seems that Charlie was consistently making scores in the twenties and thirties. Nothing that my Father could try seemed to help. Recognizing that Charlie came from a lower socioeconomic group, it was possible that he rarely encountered correct English usage. Nevertheless, Dad con-tinued to work with him.

One day, miraculously, Charlie started scoring in the seventies and eighties on all tests of cor-rect usage. Excited at this progress, my Father called him in for office counseling.

"Charlie," my Father said, "I'm very pleased with your progress. Lately you've done very well. What turned you around?"

"Shucks, Prof," he said with a grin, "Ain't no small wonder. You know what I done? I fig-gered I was missin' most every one of 'em anyhows. So I just decided on ever which one of them answers was right, and then I'd pick the other 'un."

Barbershop Math

SPLITTING HAIRS

Ralph Johnson was a mathematics professor at Southern Paulson University. He was a good instructor, and he enjoyed his work, but the faculty had not received raises in three straight years. Everyone on the staff was trying to find ways to save money. The price of gasoline had risen to $1.28 a gallon as the Nation was experiencing one of its worst recessions.

Ralph hit on the idea of buying clippers and letting his wife cut his hair. He reasoned that haircuts were costing him around $16 every month. He wore his hair in what we used to call a "crew cut." It was very short on top, and it was cut evenly all over except in the front where it was kind of squared off. In order to keep his hair neat, it was necessary to cut it every two weeks. At $8.00 a whack, he reasoned that the savings would be significant by the end of a year.

Sears had a barber's kit that consisted of the basic clippers and several attachments that would give varying depths and styles of cuts. Ralph ordered the kit, and he and his wife started practicing. The initial results were quite disastrous, but we noticed a definite improvement as time passed.

As a colleague and fellow faculty member, I was having coffee with Ralph one morning in the college cafeteria. I asked him how the experiment was coming.

"Great!", He said. "We cut my hair every two weeks, thereby saving $16 a month. The clippers are already paid for, so now I save $8.00 every two weeks."

"That sounds good," I said thinking I would have a little fun with him. "But let me tell you how to save more money. You and your wife should start cutting your hair every week instead of every two weeks. You'd save twice as much money. Let's see at $8 a week for fifty two weeks that would amount to more than $400!"

"Boy!" He said, getting into the spirit of the discussion. "What a great plan. You know if I cut it twice a week, I'd have close to $900 in one year. I could even put a down payment on a new car."

We both laughed at the absurdness of our discussion, and quickly looked to see if any of our students had overheard the talk. Certainly, the mathematics was irrefutable.

True Educational Story

AN INSPIRED LECTURE

Carl Smith was a laid-back professor of physics with whom I shared an office at South Paulson University. Nothing seemed to get on his nerves, and he was well-liked by students and faculty alike. If you told this guy his house was on fire, he would first say "hello" as he smiled and shook your hand. Then he would say something like: Well, I'm on my way to lunch, now. How 'bout you and me headin' over that way a little later?

In the several years that I had known him, I recalled only one occasion that he kind of came unglued, so to speak. It was early one Thursday morning, when Carl was on his way to an 8:00 a.m. physics class. Most professors disliked teaching early in the morning, but Carl often volunteered for such classes. On this particular morning, the custodial staff had just given the rest rooms a thorough cleaning. The odor of disinfectants wafted in the air, strong enough that the average person would not have entered the area. But Carl figured it wouldn't be too bad, and he really did have the "urge." So he held his nose with one hand, sat for a while, and wiped with his other hand. It only took a few minutes, and he was once again smug with the feeling that such small inconveniences could be overcome. What a great world it would be if everyone could just relax a little more!

He quickly entered his classroom and began his lecture on Newton's laws of motion. Carl was a man who dearly loved to teach, and he filled the board with equations as he lectured on a subject he found both interesting and profound. About ten minutes into his lecture, he noticed a minor sensation near his right hip pocket. Thinking it might be an irritation caused by his billfold, he casually removed it and placed it in his coat pocket. There was not the slightest interruption of his lecture, and no student even took notice of the action.

Five minutes later, the sensation seemed to be spreading, and what began as a tickling sensation was beginning to burn. He decided to sit down at his desk for a minute, pretending to look for a piece of paper or for an eraser. By twisting around in the chair, he was able to relieve the pain a little bit, and true to his optimistic personality, he smiled and returned to the chalkboard.

In a little while, the students were beginning to see that something was wrong, even if Carl would not admit to any problem. He was constantly moving around the room, raising his legs as he lectured, until it became obvious to him also that something was dreadfully wrong. In a few minutes, it felt as though his pants were on fire.
With about fifteen minutes left, he realized that he would have to dismiss the class. In spite of the pain, he insisted on giving them their homework assignments as he ran out the door. I remember how startled I was as he ran into our office, slammed the door, and immediately dropped his pants. Not quite knowing what to expect next, I asked if there was a problem--one of my classic understatements.

"My rear end is on fire!" He shouted. "Can you take a look at it?" He promptly turned his backside toward me fanning it all the time with his right hand.

"Gee, I don't know, Carl." I replied with mock alarm. "I hardly know you."

Seeing that my small attempt at humor was not met with the usual sarcasm, I realized that he was serious and quickly observed the area in question. His entire buttocks were covered with red blisters. It looked like the most severe case of sunburn I had ever seen.

"Man alive!" I exclaimed. "What on earth have you been sitting in? We'd better get you to the college infirmary."

After appropriate first aid, Carl took the rest of the afternoon off. It was the first time in my memory that anyone had to cover his classes for him. We later learned from the custodian that he had sprayed all the toilet seats with ammonia just before Carl arrived. He explained that after cleaning the toilet seats, he always left a thin film on the seats. It would quickly evaporate and would leave no streaks.

"I'm real sorry, Professor," he told us. "We just never thought anyone would go in the rest room with the odor of ammonia so bad. It only takes a few minutes to dry, and there's no problem after the smell is gone."

And, indeed, there was no problem! Professor Carl Smith continued to teach his classes the very next day with the same enthusiasm that he always brought to his lectures. A few students did note, however, that the professor seemed reluctant to sit on the edge of the desk as was often his custom.

Family Dogs are Precious

The Poops

The large litter was reduced to two.
Two male Cockers with fluffy ears
and large eyes that stared at you
From a legacy of a thousand years.

But our home has room for one pet.
We’ll get one and leave the other.
The choice will be simple, and yet . . .
Shall we take him or his brother?

Bobbed tails wagged with delight
As we freed them from their pen.
They ran together left and right,
To the far wall and back again.

Mobile, buff-colored balls of hair,
Soft, and yet tough as leather.
They were two—difficult to compare.
But, yes, they belonged together.

Needless to say, we took the pair.
Brothers must not live apart.
It’s not logical, but I don’t care.
The choice is from the heart.

EDUCATION ANECDOTES

Coming from a family of teachers and subsequently teaching myself in college for many years has allowed me to enjoy many pleasures I would otherwise have missed. There is something about the environment of a high school, a college, or a classroom that seems to inspire us to try humor. Perhaps, only by laughing can we divert attention from the painful process of learning. Maybe it's because of the frequent oversimplification of difficult ideas. Whatever the reason, I know if it were not for the humor always inherent in the educational process, there would be many more failures both in life and in the classroom. The following collection of anecdotes and poems are drawn from more than forty years of laughing while learning. The stories are true, but I have changed the names to prevent my friends from slashing my tires.

THE MISSING CHECKBOOK

Dr. Frank Allen was a respected professor and department head at a local college. He prided himself on running a good department, and he had certainly gained the respect of both faculty and students for his many years of service. He held degrees from several different universities, and, through wise investments, he was well off financially.
You can imagine his concern, then, when he discovered early one Monday morning that his checkbook had either been stolen or misplaced. He turned the office upside down, made a quick trip to his home, and gave his '98 Oldsmobile a thorough search. The checkbook was simply lost. Quickly, he envisioned all manner of horrors. A student who had found the checkbook was probably already gaining access to his bank account. The only thing to do was to call the bank, put a hold on checks, and ask college personnel to be on the look out for illegal checks in his name. The first place he decided to contact was the College Bookstore.
Marty Thompson, whom everyone called "Sarge," was the manager of the bookstore. He was a retired supply officer who parlayed his Army management experience into a job at the college bookstore. Just three years earlier, he was promoted to the manager position. Everyone knew that Sarge ran a tight ship. Not much got by him. Dr. Allen felt a sense of confidence as he walked into the bookstore and saw Sarge stacking books on a shelf near the back of the store.
"Hi Sarge," Dr. Allen said. "Look, I'm in a little bit of trouble, and I'd be indebted to you if you could help me out."
"Sure thing, Frank," He said. Sarge was never much on formalities. "Always glad to help the faculty. You need a book?"
"No, I seem to have misplaced my checkbook. I'm fearful that some student might find it and try to forge my name. It's not likely that he would try it here on campus, but I'd just like to cover all the bases if you know what I mean."
"Hey, you got nothin’ to worry about. Just leave it to ol' Sarge. Nothin’ will get past us."
"Thanks, I appreciate your help. I've already stopped payment at the bank. I guess I'll head over to the registrar's office and notify them."

Dr. Allen waved good-bye and continued making his rounds to each place on campus that did business with students. Satisfied that he had done all that could be done under the circum-stances, he returned to the Physics office, and resumed his daily activities.
Soon it was lunch time. On his way to the college cafeteria, Dr. Allen was met by a faculty member who was obviously in very good humor.
"Hey, Frank." He laughed. "You better go by the bookstore. Sarge has got you all fixed up."
"What do you mean 'fixed up'?" He said.
"If I told you, you wouldn't believe it. Go over and see for yourself."
Feeling a little anxious, Dr. Allen walked briskly to the College Bookstore, where he saw a number of students crowded around the store window. All were laughing.
When he broke through the crowd, he immediately discovered the problem. There in huge black letters was a sign placed in the store window.

"THIS BOOKSTORE WILL NOT CASH ANY OF DR. ALLEN'S CHECKS!"

Sometimes the best intentions often go astray. Needless to say. Dr. Allen and Sarge had a meeting to discuss communication skills.

MORE EDUCATIONAL HUMOR WILL FOLLOW IN LATER POSTS TO THIS BLOG.

Valentines Day
On this of all days it is appropriate
to submit a poem of love:

WHAT IS LOVE?

I cannot define love, but I know what it is.
It's a smile, a stolen kiss, and then another,
A shared memory, that is neither hers nor his,
That has no meaning to one without the other.

A walk down a moonlit path to God knows where,
A sudden chill soothed with a gentle touch,
A moment of silence in the still night air,
The unspoken words that say so very much.

The passing years between a man and his wife.
Memories of children now standing tall,
And common satisfaction borne of love and strife,
That without our union, nothing happened at all.

TWO MORE POEMS

VOCABULARY

I can't read a classic without a dictionary.
They say the problem is with my "vocabulary."
But I think such advice is for the birds.
I can read; I just don't know the words.

Teachers don't understand my situation.
I can talk and understand with no hesitation.
But at college they don't try to communicate.
I want to register; they want to "matriculate."

They use words like "procrastination."
To point out problems with my education.
I could look up the word "procrastinate."
But not now. I think I'll just wait.

Those who use words as a means to impress
Want to be heard more and understood less.
Even in institutions of higher education,
The trend is just to "eschew obfuscation!"

JIVE TALK

Don't give me no jive.
The teacher is the man.
He can't spell a word,
Then no other dude can.

I lay the word "RAT" on him.
He say "R-A-T" is how
I say no! You don't get my drift.
I mean "RAT" like "RAT NOW!"

MORE EDUCATION POEMS

DOUBLE NEGATIVES

Double negatives don't need no explainin'.
We don't need no water when it ain't rainin'
Teachers shouldn't confuse us this way.
Our friends don't misunderstand what we don’t say.

Why worry about what has never been not seen?
Will anyone never not know what we don't mean?
English doesn't ask that we never not study her.
So double negatives shouldn't never not occur.

A JUST GRADE

When caught cheating, a boy named Biff
Said: "I don't deserve a zero in Western Civ."
I heard his plea,
And had to agree,
But it was the LOWEST grade I could give.

TRUE OR FALSE?

For true-false tests, here's a system for you.
Remember: "Tails" is false, and "Heads" is true.
You get it goin'
By flipping a coin,
And finish with odds that are one in two.

Since the odds are not good on first sight,
An added feature is brought to light.
You continue the plan
By flipping again
To see if your answers are wrong or right.

THE CHEATER

She said she wasn’t a cheater.
But I had reason not to believe her.
The boy on the next row
Wrote "I don't know."
And she wrote "I don't know either!"

THE MYSTERY OF NUMBERS

Algebra’s not easy for anyone.
Even the best say it’s not fun.
But I saw a wrinkle on Charlie's brow,
I was excited—encouraged, somehow.

You see, Charlie was great at basketball,
But his math skills were not there at all.
My boardwork was good; I was in command.
And I felt proud as I saw him raise his hand.

As surely as the fisherman sets his hook,
I had gained the attention of Charlie Cook.
But his query left me room to doubt:
"Where do them numbers go when you rub 'em out?"


YOU CAN QUOTE ME

As a student, it's oft been affirmed:
"A penny saved is a penny earned."
But I wish instead,
A book that's read
Was also a book that's learned.

OPENING NOTE

This blog contains my
orginal work unless
indicated otherwise in
the body of the blog.
The purpose is to share
the joy of creation
and to use humor and
philosophy in the field
of education and life
in general.

Comments are welcome.
Relax and I Hope you
enjoy reading the work.




PHONETIC SPELLING

It's hard to spell what we cannot see.
So we teach spelling phonetically.
Though I expect,
Some will object
To spelling "taters" with a "p."

This you say is an unusual situation.
The problem is clearly enunciation.
But the "g" in "gnome"
And the "p" in "phone"
Gives nothing but aggravation.

Spelling with useless letters is flimflam.
As is true for the words "damn" and "jamb."
But it's unwise
To advertise:
For a "leg of lam" or for a "side of hamb."

Another problem that's clearly unfair
Is the case of a grizzly with no hair.
When a bear is bare,
You must spell with care.
The confusion is more than I can bear.

So if you write, you'd better be wary.
Don't trust your work to a secretary.
You never can tell
How they're spelled.
Just look it up in the dictionary.

Educational Humor

SPELLING RULES

The rules of spelling are simple,
But they’re fraught with deception.
We spend less time with the rules,
Than we do with the exception.

It's "i" before "e" except after "c,"
And plurals are formed by adding "s."
Except for some words that end in "y;"
Those plural forms are "y-less."

It's so complicated that one wonders
How it became such a mess.
If spelling is that much trouble,
Why not just take a guess?

The rules differ for nouns and verbs,
And watch your consonants and vowels.
Such rules should tax my brain,
But they hit closer to my bowels.