Dogs and Cats

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Food for Thought

Kids and Science

These are answers given by kids on science tests as reported by teachers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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A different way of looking at things:

A day without sunshine is like night

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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Love and Marriage
As told by 5-year-olds to 10-year-olds

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

• "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."-- Judy, age 8

• "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" -- Tom, age 5

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

• "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10


• "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kelly, age 9

• "The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

• "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" -- Lynette, age 9

• "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

WHY LOVE HAPPENS

• "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."-- Jan, age 9

• "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

• "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Harlen, age 8


ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

• "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- Roger, age 9

• "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Leo, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE


• "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Jeanne, age 8

• "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7

• "Beauty is skin deep. But, how rich you are can last a long time."
-- Christine, age 9

WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

• "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. -- Gavin, age 8

• "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- Jennifer, age 9


CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

• "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." -- Anita, age 6

• "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."-- Bobby, age 8

• "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. -- Regina, age 10

• "Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

• "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."
-- Carey, age 7

QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

• "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8

• "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8

SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

• "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6

• "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9

• "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French-fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9

• "Shake you hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9

• "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there. -- Manuel, age 8

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

• "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9

• "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8

• "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."-- Christine, age 9

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU"

• "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." -- Michelle, age 9

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

• "You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7
• "It might help to watch soap operas all day." -- Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

• "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." -- Jean, age 10

• "I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." -- Dave, age 8

• "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6

• "The law says you have to be 18 years old, so I wouldn't mess with that."
-- Curt, age 7


REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

• "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

• "I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

• "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10

• "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8

• "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

• "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -- Tom, age 7

• "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 6

• "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Randy, age 8

Science is Tough

After teaching physics for 35 years (and a little Chemistry) I know the difficulties that students have in any field of science. It often helps to interject a little humor into the classroom to keep the interest level up in classes that are usually soooo serious! The following snips are intended to help "enlighten" even the most difficult concepts. Of course, sometimes it's hard for students to know when I'm pulling their legs, which come to think of it, probably happened more than it should have during my tenure as a college professor.

Speed of light

As far as speed goes, there was once a paper on the "speed of dark," saying that it was the same as the speed of light, except opposite. When you shut out the light at night, the dark comes in at the speed of light. Nothing can travel faster than the speed of dark. Dark photons are evidently anti-light photons or vice versa and cannot exist simultaneously.


The Dark Sucker Theory

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses fossil fuel to destroy it.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. This is easily proven for light bulbs too. When you compress a gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the dark being squished into the wires.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

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Quantum Physics and Socks

Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).



On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalized exclusion principle --- it is impossible for two socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in --- the only time you know where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing color, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way, socks may possess Color and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.

The Philosophy of Children

It's surprising how much wisdom comes from the mouths of children. They are totally honest and don't look for hidden meanings. The following items come from questions asked by Jack Handey for an actual newspaper contest. They were asked to provide their deepest thoughts on life.

Kids in Deep Thought

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked by Jack Handey to provide Deep Thoughts.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

Home is where the house is. -- Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. -- Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. -- Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6


My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. -- Age 10

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. -- Age 13

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -- Age 15

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. -- Age 11

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. -- Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" -- Age 15

Just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. -- Age 12

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? -- Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -- Age 15

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -- Age 6

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. -- Age 9

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. -- Age 13

Advice to My Grandchildren

This posting is a diversion from the usual humorous items, but it still applies for the development of a general philosophy of life, and I wanted to share it with the readers of this blog. I’ve often been told that an old man’s advice is sometimes exactly what it costs—nothing, and there’s always some risk in even setting guidelines for growing children, who must, after all, make their own way in life. So don’t think of the following statements as iron-clad rules based on the presumptions of a man who has answers, rather I think of them as a collection of thoughts that are important for developing minds to ponder as they struggle to mix into an increasingly complicated society.


These are the thoughts that I have already shared with my grandchildren, and I hope that they will read them again and draw their own conclusions about how to apply them. For above all, I believe a person must grow and develop as an individual who is to work and live with a collection of other individuals. The key word, in my opinion is the word “individual.” As Shakespeare wrote years ago, “to thine own self be true.” As always your comments are welcome.

ADVICE TO MY GRANDCHILDREN

1. Don’t be afraid to fail while going after something you really, really want. You will always learn from it. NEVER GIVE UP. Persistence will overcome everything else. I guarantee it.

2. If you listen more than you talk, you will not only learn more, but people will think you’re smarter, not dumber, than you really are.

3. Take schooling seriously and accept personal responsibility.
• Ability is what you are capable of doing.
• Motivation determines what you do.
• Attitude determines how well you do it.

4. Think often about what you’d like to do when you grow up. What are your interests? Who are the people you admire, and why? Talk to these people about what they do.

5. Don’t forget to plan and develop your social skills along the way. Success is often more related to working with and getting along with others than it is with educational matters. So “play” often and work with groups as much as possible.

6. Constantly work on developing a GOOD ATTITUDE about your schooling. Be cheerful. Smile a lot. Don’t let others discourage you. If you feel overworked, stressed out, unappreciated, or even very sad about anything, then TALK ABOUT IT or WRITE ABOUT IT. Self-expression relieves pressure and also allows one to grow.

7. When someone asks you to do something, decide quickly whether you will do it or not and say so. Either way, it makes no sense and it looks bad to hesitate, agonize, or give excuses. Accept or reject the request honestly and you will gain the respect of others.

8. Whatever your goal may be, remember that it’s not difficult to achieve the confidence and respect of others. Recognize that the majority of people today are not willing to put fourth their full efforts in any task, and that hard work on your part will be noticed and rewarded.

9. Learn to be a “good winner.” When you are successful or when you best the competition, always praise the efforts of others and be modest about your own accomplishments.

10. Learn to be a “good loser.” Congratulate those who win, and never offer excuses or blame others for your failure. Don’t be a “whiner.” Learn from experience.

11. All actions have consequences. Accept personal responsibility for all of your actions and for the consequences.

12. Learn to control your negative emotions. When you are very angry with someone, don’t complicate the issue with your own anger. Words spoken in anger can never be taken back. Listen, think, and respond when you can do so rationally and logically. Writing down your thoughts is helpful.

13. Love is a limitless commodity. When you give love to someone or when love is given to you, it does not diminish the love for another. Read my story entitled: “The Wizard.”

14. A person’s name is very important to them. Make a practice of remembering names and use them frequently.

15. When a friend shows you something they have made, a job they have completed, or a work of art, show your enthusiasm and find something good to say about it.

16. When you receive a gift from someone, it means that they love you and that they have spent time thinking about just you. Your immediate gift back to them should reflect love and appreciation. The “gift” simply does not matter.

17. Use frequently but sincerely the words “I’m sorry,” “Thank you,” and “I love you.”


18. Being on time will be noted and will impress people. Being late is a rude thing to do. It says to other people, “My time is more important than your time.” A person who is always late is a selfish person. Mark it down.

19. Being mentally tough will help you more in life than being physically tough. They don’t always go together.

20. Notice and appreciate what makes your heart leap up. Maybe it’s a song or a poem or a movie or an event or location. Maybe it’s seeing, hearing, or reading something special. If nothing does this for you, examine your life because something is missing.

21. There are some very bad people in this world. For these few people, no amount of reasoning, education, or rehabilitation will change them significantly. Do not let them abuse you or stand in your way. Get help if necessary.

22. When something bad happens, it's wonderful to have family and/or friends around. Try not to go anywhere by yourself.

23. Motives, intentions, feelings, and the reasons behind our actions are sometimes more important than the actions themselves.

24. Violence usually, but not always, solves nothing. If there is no immediate danger, try to defuse a bad situation and wait until later to attempt resolution of the problem.

25. The most important skill you can develop is the ability to communicate in speaking and writing. No other skill comes close to these in determining your future development.

26. Regardless of your career interests, you should develop (early in life) solid skills in science and mathematics. Your early choices of coursework are critical to avoid compromising your future choices.

27. From time to time, make yourself do something you don’t really want to do. It will make you stronger.

28. Family and home are very, very important. Honor them. One should know where one comes from and who worked or sacrificed to get us where we are. Having a sense of family and having a sense of place is going to be increasingly hard to have in this modern world, but you can have it, and it will bring you comfort and stability.

29. Keep a good sense of humor and laugh at yourself more than you do at others.

READ – WRITE – IMAGINE – LISTEN – PERSIST

Kindergarten

Robert Fulghum wrote this piece as a newspaper article for the Kansas City Times in September 1986 and it later became a very successful book. Life, indeed, is simple. Why do we tend to make it so complex? If you haven’t read Robert Fulghum’s book, I would recommend it for anyone working in the field of education.

All I Ever Needed To Know I learned in Kindergarten
By Robert Fulghum

“Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.


These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don’t hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up our own mess. Don’t take things that aren’t yours. Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Worm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.

Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really know how or why, but we are all like that.

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup—they all die. So do we.


And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology and politics and sane living.

Think of what a better world it would be if we all—the whole world—had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put thins back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.”

Lewis Grizzard

Lewis Grizzard started as a News Reporter for the Atlanta Constitution, and soon parlayed his humor into a regular column filled with humor and southern traditions. He wrote several humorous books, and was an accomplished public speaker. This posting provides three stories that he frequently told during such events. Once again, it is to be remembered that jokes such as these are effective only if they help to make a point and if they are told to the appropriate audience. Grizzard was a master of this technique.


The Confederate Soldier

General Sherman burned down Atlanta in 1865. He was going out I-20 freeway heading toward Stone Mountain; he has 125,000 soldiers marching behind him. He’s going by Stone Mountain and hears this noise. Up on top of Stone Mountain there’s this lone confederate soldier waving a saber in one hand and a confederate flag in the other. He is shouting all kinds of obscenities down to the union army. Sherman calls a halt to his troops and says, “Listen, we got to put a stop to this. This is embarrassing. We got CBS news here, CNN, USA Today, and whole bunch of reporters. This is bad for public relations.” He says to his lieutenant, “Who’s the toughest man in our outfit?”

“That would be Sergeant Swartz, sir; he’s the meanest, toughest, and most qualified trooper we’ve got.”

“Well send him up there on the mountain, and take care of that problem.”

Swartz goes up to the top of the mountain, and he’s not there five minutes until his body comes flying off the mountain and lands right square in front of the General. Outraged, he orders ten more of his best Union soldiers to the top of the mountain. Not a single one of these soldiers lived to tell the tale. Sherman said, “This is impossible, we got to do something about this right away. Send a 150 of our finest men up there to take care of that soldier.”

Only one soldier lives to tell the story, and he’s bleeding from every pore of his body with his uniform torn to shreds. He walks up the General, and Sherman asks “What’s going on up there. I send 150 soldiers to do a job and only one comes back!”

The soldier looks through bloodied eyes and says: “It’s a trick General Sherman, they’s two of ‘em up there!”

Georgia Tech Football

Auburn was playing Georgia Tech in a late season game that didn’t mean a lot to either team since they were both were tied for last place in the SEC. The game was tied with about six minutes left in the game, when Georgia Tech punted and an Auburn player dropped the ball. A tech player accidentally fell on the ball and they signaled a fumble recovery, leaving Tech on the 20-yard line. That was the closest they’d been to the end zone all year. But Auburn disputed the call and raised all kinds of ruckus.

The argument went on for ten minutes, and finally, the Auburn coach just took his team, walked off the field and headed back to Alabama. Georgia Tech remained on the field, and three plays later, they scored a touchdown!

A Pig Named Jake

You know a pig is one of the smartest animals on a farm, smarter than a horse or even a dog. A lot of people don’t know that. I remember this farmer Brown, down in South Georgia who had two sows (that’s a female pig if you are a city boy). Now this ain’t no dirty story, it's just a story about agriculture, but this farmer needed to find a male pig to mate with his sows so that he could start raising hogs. He asked a friend on a neighboring farm if he could bring his sows for a visit, and the neighbor said he’d be happy to oblige, and he could just bring them on up the next morning. He said he'd introduce the sows to Jake, his biggest and best male pig.


So the next day, Brown puts his two sows in the back of his pickup and heads over to his neighbors farm. He gets mud all over his clothes, but together they place these two big sows into the pasture with ole Jake. Man, there’s the biggest show you’d ever see. Over two thousand pounds of pork scrambling around the mud as the mating process takes place. After it was over, Brown asked his friend “Now, how am I going to know if this took or not?”

Well, the friend said, “You just look out in the lot in the morning. If they are playing around in the sunshine, you know that things are okay. But if they are rolling around in the mud, you’d better bring ‘um back for another visit.”

Brown looks out the next morning, and sees the sows playing in the mud. Reluctantly, he puts them in the truck and takes them back to his friend’s farm. There’s another mating ritual, but this time it was much more active and there was an even longer courtship. Eventually, he takes his sows back home.

The next day, he looks out and again the hogs are wallowing in the mud, so he takes them back for third visit. This time it was a real long affair, the dogs started barking, and the entire barnyard knew there was something going on.

The next morning, farmer Brown got up and, not having the courage to look out the window, he told his wife to look out and tell him if his hogs were playing in the sunshine or if they were wallowing in the mud. She said, “Well, Neither One.”

“Well, where in the world are they?”

“They are in the cab of the truck, honking the horn!”

Communication

One of the most important ingredients of good writing is the choice of the right word or exactly the right phrase to communicate an idea or fact. As a professor, I would often try to illustrate with humor how it is possible to be totally misunderstood.



The picture above demonstrates how first impressions are not always correct. I used to lose my head over such things. The following examples also illustrate the confusion that can occur in learning.

Amazing

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Ablsoultlely amzanig huh?

Alabama Speeder

This cop stops a speeder in Alabama and walks up to the window. The driver rolls the window down and the cop asks… “Got any ID”?

The redneck replied, “ ‘bout what?”

You Must be From Alabama

A man walks into a store and asks: “I’d like to have an RC and a moon pie.”
The proprietor responds: “You must be from Alabama.”

“I resent that remark. How come you say I’m from Alabama? If a man comes in here and asks for sausage, do you assume he’s from Germany?”
“Well, I don’t know. It just ain’t never happened.”
If a man comes in and asks for spaghetti, do you assume he’s from Italy?”
“Don’t know. Like I say . . . it just ain’t never happened.”
“Well, why in hell do you assume I’m from Alabama just because I ask for an RC and a moon pie?”

The proprietor scratched his head and said. “’Cause this is a hardware store!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo. Someone has stolen tent."

Having a Bad Day?

Every so often, there are those days when nothing seems to go right, when the world seems to be dumping on no one but you. This happens frequently for young people who are struggling with their school work or who think their parents or friends don’t understand them. As strange as it sounds, in these cases, reading about the adventures of Charlie Brown whose kite always gets caught in a tree or about some other fictional character that is in constant trouble, seems to help them cope with their own difficulties. Rodney Dangerfield’s career as a comedian didn’t really take off until he started the “I don’t get no respect” gig. His audiences loved the approach because it was funny, but also because it helped them to feel better about themselves. As a professor, I would often use Rodney Dangerfield quotes to break the ice during particularly tough lectures. The following is a list of some of his best work. Some are appropriate only for adults, but others are great for any age.


Rodney Dangerfield's 20 Best One-liners:

1. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up

2. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

3. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

4. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there's so many places they can hide."

5. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said ..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

6. My mother took me to a dog show when I was a little boy. I won first prize.

7. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

8. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

9. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

10. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

11. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

12. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

13. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

14. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

15. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -- three of those times I was reading it.

16. One year they wanted to make me poster boy -- for birth control.

17. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

18. I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

19. I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

20. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

Tribute to a Dog

Senator Vest, of Missouri, was attending court in a country town, and while waiting for the trial of a case in which he was interested, he was urged by the attorneys in a dog case to help him. He was paid a fee of $250 by the plaintiff. Voluminous evidence was introduced to show that the defendant had shot the dog in malice, while the other evidence went to show that the dog had attacked the defendant. Vest took no part in the trial and was not disposed to speak. The attorneys, however, urged him to make a speech, else their client would not think he had earned his fee. Being thus urged, he arose, scanned the face of each juror for a moment, and gave the following speech:

A TRIBUTE TO A DOG

“Gentlemen of the Jury: The best friend a man has in the world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son or daughter that he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our good name may become traitors to their faith. The money a man has he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps, when the needs it most. A man’s reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees to do us honor when success is with us may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its clouds upon our heads. The one absolutely unselfish friend that a man can have in the selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. A man’s dog stands by him in prosperity and poverty, in health and sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground, where the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near his master’s side. He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer; he will lick the wounds and sores that some encounter with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master, as if he were a prince. When all other friends desert he remains, when riches take wings and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.

If fortune drives the master forth an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard against danger, to fight against his enemies, and when the last scene of all come, and death takes the master in its embrace, and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other fiend pursue their way, there by the graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true even in death.”

Senator Vest sat down. He had spoken in a low voice, without any gesture. He made no reference to the evidence of the merits of the case. When he finished, judge and jury were wiping their eyes. The jury returned a verdict in favor of the plaintiff for $500. He had sued for only $200.

Origin of the Rails

I don't know the source of this information, but it was given to me by the Head of the Electrical Engineering Department at Southern Polytechnic State University. He makes a good case for the rails that have been constructed throughout the United States and before that in England. Whether true or not, I felt it was worth posting.

The Origin of the Width Between the Rails:

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between rails) is 4' 8 1/2". That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English ex-patriots. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built he pre-railroad tram ways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tram ways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now the twist to the story...


There's an interesting extension of the story about railroad gauge and horse's behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made
by Thiokol at a factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs preferred to make them a bit fatter, but SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a horse's ass!

Humor in Education

Chemistry Experiment: When I was Head of the Science and Math Division at Chattanooga State Technical Community College in the 1970’s, a chemistry instructor made me a copy of the following lab report was turned in by one of his students. This student, like so many, had returned from a stint in the army to take advantage of the veteran’s benefits. He was not very well prepared, but he worked very hard. His frustration is evident.

“I started that there experiment on the back 2 times. The first time I already had the refluxed solution done and the next lab period I washed the either in water. I spent the whole lab period washing it in water, and I could tell something was wrong, but I really knowed something was wrong when I washed it in the sodium bicarbonate and it didn’t fizzle. Then later I found them instructions and I came back in this evening to do it again. I refluxed that stuff. Then another evening I come back and had put the stuff in H2O (ice cold) and measured in the either. Shook it real good. Let off pressure. Separated it. Thought maybe I could do a better job of separating, so I poured the 2 liquids back in to the separating funnel . . . I had left the stopper bottom open. Never have attempted experiment again.”

I noticed that the professor had just written OK at the end of the report, and I asked him what was the meaning of the grade “OK?” He said it was what he would call a “placebo” grade; it didn’t mean anything. The young man was already failing the course, and he just felt sorry for the guy. After all that effort and frustration, and “F” grade for the lab was cruel and unusual punishment.

HOW HIGH IS IT?

Another story, which is probably not a true story, was told to me by one of my friends in the Physics Department at Southern Polytechnic State Univeristy in Marietta, GA. He enjoys telling it to students whenever measurement is discussed. It seems that he was leaving class one day when he noticed two students holding a long pole. One was balancing it vertically from the ground and the other was on the very top of the pole holding a steel tape, obviously measuring the pole.

"What are you doing?" The professor asked.
"We are trying to see how tall this pole is," They responded.
"Well," said the Professor. "Why don't you lay the pole down along the ground. It would be much easier to measure that way."

"Isn't that just like a professor," said one of the students to the other. "We know how LONG it is, we're trying to find out how HIGH it is!"

What Did You Say?

Words lend themselves to so many different interpretations, that it’s often difficult to communicate. For example, should Santa’s helpers be called “subordinate clauses;” Or should a fly without wings be called a “walk?” Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Is cheese that is not yours said to be “nacho cheese?” Is there another word for “thesaurus?” And why is “abbreviation” such a long word? Inquiring minds want to know. The collection below, of unknown origin, shows clearly why we need to think carefully as we speak or write.


Food For Thought


1. A day without sunshine is like, night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.


10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

22. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

23. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

24. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

25. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

26. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

27. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

28. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

29. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

30. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Camping is Fun?

When working with the cub scouts, you never know quite what to expect, so you just plunge head-long into the process. The more you think about it the less you focus on the joy of the moments. The following story is just one of the parenting experiences that you tend to remember for a long time. It’s a true story, and the names have not been changed to protect the innocent. Hope you enjoy it, and that you can, perhaps identify with some of the experiences based on those of your family.

THE BEAN FROG:


It was in the late Fall of the year when days are nice and nights suddenly turn cold. The Due West Cub Scout Pack No. 535 had scheduled its annual campout at the foot of Kennesaw Mountain. We were scurrying around trying to pack everything we needed and some things we didn't need. My youngest son, Blake, was the Cub Scout in the family, and I wanted this to be a good experience for him. It was his first camping trip, and I had been able to convince his older brother, Scott to join us. My middle son, Mark, was smart enough to opt out of this adventure, and decided to stay at home.

The boys and I had packed our bags with everything we could imagine needing, but I had insisted that a true camper knows how to pack lightly. When you're on the trail, I emphasized, a light traveler has the advantage. As usual, however, there's the mother factor to deal with, and my wife, Joyce, lost no time in critiquing our efforts.

"Hey guys," she said. "This will never do! I don't see any blankets in here."

"Oh Mom!" Blake complained. "I don't want to have to lug around a heavy blanket. It's not winter time you know."

"I don't care," She said. "I just heard the weather report, and they said it could get down to the freezing point tonight. Your Dad can do as he wishes, but you two boys are going to take a blanket."

It was around fifty-seven degrees Fahrenheit at the time, and I didn't really think a blanket would be needed. We each had a sleeping bag in our bed rolls. But rather than argue the point, we all reluctantly agreed to stow away an extra blanket in our pack. The things we do to please mothers!

We left the house about 2:00 p.m. and drove to the entrance of Kennesaw Park where other cub scouts and their parents were already gathering. It was shaping up to be a beautiful day. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and the temperatures seemed to be holding. It was only a half-mile hike from our cars to the campsite. We selected a nice flat spot and erected our Sears two-man tent. All three of us planned to squeeze into the same tent.

We tossed Frisbees and played softball until it was time to eat our evening meal. At around 6:30 p.m., everyone loaded up on beans and hotdogs, and we all sat around a big fire and sang songs from the Cub Scout Song Book. As long as we stayed near the fire it was fairly comfortable, but you could tell it was getting colder by the minute. Everyone was wearing light jackets or sweaters.

At somewhere around 10:00 p.m., the pack leader, Alan Cook, announced that a hike up to the very top of Kennesaw Mountain was planned. All who wished to go, would need to wear coats if they had them since it was already approaching freezing temperatures. Scott, Blake, and I each had only light jackets, but we definitely were not going to miss the hike up the mountain. The night was very dark, but the skies were as clear as I had ever seen them. The prospects of looking down on the country side from that lofty viewpoint was exciting, and I knew it would be a memorable trip for Blake.

The trip up the narrow trail to the top of Kennesaw Mountain was a struggle, but except for chasing after a couple of stray cubbies, it was fairly uneventful. At the top, there was a large paved pavilion from which you could see for miles in almost any direction. As soon as all hikers were accounted for, the Cubmaster directed everyone to sit in a large circle with the leaders in the middle. Every person had some kind of flashlight, and it was interesting to follow all the little lights as the circle was forming. Eventually, they all settled down, and the Cubmaster began to speak.

"OK, fellow scouts, lets all get very quite. No talking for a least a few minutes. We want you to cut out all the lights. Turn off your flash lights and be very still. We are going to see and hear nature in its rawest form."

We remained silent in the black darkness and I marveled at how truly dark it was. You could see thousands of stars in the sky and we heard the loud serenades of crickets and frogs from the mountain woods and from the valley below.

"Listen," the Cubmaster said. "I want you to see if you can pick out the sounds of the frogs from those of the crickets. Be very quite, and listen. Don't say a word."


We were all very silent, and suddenly without warning, there came a loud "Phhfft . . . phhftt" from somewhere in our group. Apparently one of the cub scouts had eaten too many beans. Everyone, except maybe for one person, broke up into fits of laughter.

"Mr. Cook," said one Cub Scout. "Just what kind of frog was that!"

"Son," he replied. "In these parts, that is what is known as a bean frog. To my knowledge, though, no one has ever caught one."

We made it back down the mountain, and spent a very cold night thanking Joyce for forcing us to pack a badly needed blanket. Fortunately, we heard no more from the bean frog. Nor did we ever locate its source.

One of Those Days!

Ever have one of those days when nothing seems to go right? I’ve had plenty of these in my lifetime. Such as the time I lectured for hours with my pants unzipped, and thought that my jokes were what the students were laughing at; or the time in college when I was the only cadet in the Sunday parade who was not wearing a hat; or the time I lost my bathing suit after a high dive in a public swimming pool. Now that I’m in my sixties, they call these “senior moments.” Still when you put the ice cream carton in the cabinet before bedtime, it’s often hard to deal with these little travesties. In this posting, I present several incidents that provide comic relief for all except the one’s most directly involved. Send me an e-mail of your most embarrassing moment. I’ll collect these, and at some later time, I will post them—anonymously of course.

Embarrassing Moments

A young woman school teacher boarded the bus, noticed a familiar face, and nodded to a man who stared back, blankly. Flustered, she said: “I’m sorry; I thought you were the father of one of my children.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

A woman decides to take a trip however she notices that she has only one twenty dollar bill. Still, it should be enough to make the trip satisfactorily. Later she takes the bus to her hotel, and on the way, she sits by a nice old lady with whom she becomes acquainted. After a little, she asks the old lady to watch her purse while she uses the bathroom at the back of the bus. Upon returning to her seat, she notices with horror that there is no twenty dollar bill in her purse. Recognizing that the old lady must have stolen her money, the woman secretly takes the twenty back from the pocket book of the old lady. That evening, when she is checked into her hotel room, she receives a phone call from her husband saying: “Honey, did you know you left a twenty-dollar bill on the dresser?”

* * * * * * * * * * *

A man has a very important meeting in Albany. As he leaves on a train from his home city, he calls the porter over and explains: “Look, I’m a very heavy sleeper and a real grouch when someone wakes me, but I’ll pay you forty dollars to wake me up and get me off this train in Albany. I don’t care how angry I get or how I’m dressed; just make sure that I get off.” Next morning, the man wakes up in New York and notes that he has missed his stop. He screams at the Porter and demands to know why he was not put off in Albany. Another friend talks with the porter later saying: “Wow! That man was very angry at you this morning.” The first porter replied: “Yeah, but he wasn’t nearly as mad as that guy I put off the train in Albany.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

I heard this one on the Johnny Carson show. He often asked his guests about their most embarrassing moments. This particular guest told the following story as if it were true. It seems that this man was traveling on a train and sitting beside a beautiful young lady as the continued its long journey to New York. Soon the man fell fast asleep, and the woman noticed that his pants were unzipped. She smiled thinking how embarrassed he would be if someone did not tell him about it. She decided that she would accidentally drop her white glove in his lap. She reasoned that he would wake up, notice the problem and quickly zip up his pants. And he did indeed wake for a moment, but thought that the glove was a corner of his white shirt. He quickly stuffed the white object back into his pants, zipped them up, and went back to sleep. The young woman was too embarrassed to say anything so she reasoned that she would just lose the glove. Johnny Carson laughed at this embarrassing moment, but the guest quickly raised his hand and said that that wasn’t his most embarrassing moment. That occurred later when undressing at home. The woman’s white glove dropped out on the floor in front of his suspicious wife.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Another guest on the Johnny Carson Show told of his most embarrassing moment that occurred during his wedding rehearsal dinner. He was seated near the end of the table where the table cloth drapes down quite a bit. When he first sat down he noticed that his pants were unzipped. Discretely, he zipped them up, but he caught the corner of the table cloth in the zipper. He was unaware of this situation and continued the meal. The embarrassing moment came when he stood up to make a toast, and the table cloth with all the glasses and dishes on it slid to meet his pants.

* * * * * * * * * * *

A large bosomed woman with a cold comes into a room and sits down among friends. Eventually, she starts sniffling and reaches into her bosom for a handkerchief but after feeling around, she cannot find one. Looking up she sees that several people are smiling at her. Flustered, she says: “Well . . . I know I had two of them when I came in.”

Strange Things Are a' Happening

Well . . . I came across this old bit of internet garbage I've been collecting over the years, and I thought it time to post a list of "incredible facts." The problem is that I have no way of really knowing if they are true or not. Certainly, many of them have the ring of truth. If any of the readers of my blogs can refute an item, I would appreciate a comment or an e-mail so that corrections can be made. To protect the consumers, blog sites typically require a reader to sign in. So if you have a comment and do not wish to sign up as a user, just send me an e-mail at the address given in the "about me" link. This is an option for any of my blogs. Hope you continue to enjoy the postings.



...SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

• A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

• A snail can sleep for three years.

• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

• All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

• Almonds are a member of the peach family.

• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

• Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

• Butterflies taste with their feet.

• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

• In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

• If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

• If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

• On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

• "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

• The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

• The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

• There are more chickens than people in the world.

• There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

• There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

• STRENGTHS is the longest word to have just a single vowel.

• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

• ....................Now you know everything

More Jokes for Speaking

A good laugh is a great way to communicate your point in writing or in speaking. The short jokes listed in this posting were taken from several of my speeches given with the Toastmasters Club. The major rule I followed in both public speaking and in my lectures at the University was that the joke did not have to be very funny. The main criteria were relevance and timing.

MORE JOKES FOR COMMUNICATION

Education is like the bottom half of a double boiler—It’s boiling, bubbling, and busy, but it doesn’t really know what is cooking.

A four-year old was crying. When asked what the problem was, he replied: “It’s my parents. If I make a noise they spank me, and if I’m quiet, they take my temperature.”

My father used to tell about the principal who went to hell and was there four days before he knew the difference.

My mother taught the fourth grade for many years. She described her job as “trying to keep 35 corks under water at the same time.”

What is an obstacle to one person is an opportunity to another. I’m reminded of the two salesmen who were sent to Africa to open up new territories. After three days, the first salesman wired back: “Leaving on next plane. Can’t sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot.” Nothing was heard from the other salesman for three weeks. Then a thick envelope arrived with this message: “Fifty orders enclosed. Prospects are unlimited. No one here wears shoes.”

A little boy asked his mother why his dad had to bring home a briefcase every night when he came home. The mother explained that “Dad just has more work to do than he can accomplish and he has to bring some of it home.” The boy thought about this, and asked: “Well, why don’t they put him in a slower group?”

A farmer and his wife were asked to go for a plane ride at a local fair. The plane was an old-fashioned one with an open cockpit and was sometimes used for stunt flying. The pilot offered the ride for $50, but the farmer declined. Then he made the farmer a proposition. “I will take you and your wife up for a ride. If neither of you yells out, then the ride will be free. Otherwise it will cost you $50. They talked it over and decided that they could do that. The ride was very scary and included a couple of loop-the-loops, but no yells were heard. Afterward, the pilot congratulated the farmer on his cool attitude. The farmer said: “Yep, but I tell ya what, I thought you had me back there when my wife fell out!”

Deteriorata

Today’s post is an old piece that continues to be passed around and around among college and literary folks. It was very popular during the rebellious years of the 60s, and I found an old copy among my papers of that time period. It was often attributed as "Found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore: Dated 1692.” Actually, it has evolved from Desiderata, which was written in 1927 by an obscure Indiana lawyer and poet named Max Ehrmann. Sources include: The Washington Post, November 27, 1977.

Deteriorata

Go placidly amid the noise and waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed well their advice; even though they may be turkeys. Know what to kiss and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Whenever possible put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a fortune in computer maintenance.

Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. . Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those closest to you; that lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love, therefore, it will stick to your face. Forcefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan; and let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks. For a good time call 808-4311; ask for ken. Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese; and reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee. You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back. Therefore, make peace with our god, whatever you conceive him to be: hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continuers to deteriorate. Give Up!

Toastmaster Jokes

Toastmasters clubs are the most creative and educational of any organizations with which I have been associated. I have always felt that the ability to communicate effectively through speaking and writting is the key to success in this world. The public schools are not a good venue because of the fear and pressure associated with grades and impressions of peers. There have been a number of studies showing that many fear public speaking more than they fear death! The program offered by local toastmasters are geared to specific needs. Some for industry, some for fun, some for children, and some for hams like me who just love an opportunity to get on the podium. My selection for this posting is a few one-liner type jokes that are good for making points during speaking engagements. Most are very old jokes and, unfortunately, I am unable to provide credits.

Toastmaster Jokes of Unknown Origin

A man wants to teach his son the difference between “anger” and “exasperation.” Suppose, he says, you call a man and ask to speak to Adolph, and he says “Wrong number, you idiot!” Now, that’s “annoyance.” Next, you call the same man and ask again to speak to “Adolph.” This time the man is “angry.” Finally, you wait 15 minutes and call on last time saying: “Hello, this is Adolph, have there been any calls for me?” That’s “exasperation.”

My father told me this one when I was looking for a good way to end a speech. An old lady trips at the top of an escalator and falls on top of a man. She rides to the bottom in his lap. The man says: “I’m sorry, lady, but this is as far as I go.”

A real estate man in Iowa got a great deal on several acres of farm land. He drives out to the property to look over his purchase. As he is walking over a field near the road, it starts snowing and he returns to his car where a young boy is looking it over. He asks the boy: How many times do you see it snowing around here? The boy scratches his head and replies: “First time. But I’ve seen it rain twice.”

A rich man has three swimming pools: One is for people who like warm water, another is for people who want cold water, and the third one is empty—for those who don’t swim.

In times past there were reported horrible instances when the Romans allegedly turned lions loose inside a large arena and allowed them to devour Christians. A teacher was showing a movie of this to her class, and in the middle of the fracas a little boy raised his hand. The teacher stopped the movie for a moment and asked what was on his mind. The child frowned and said: “There’s one of them lions that isn’t getting any Christians!”

Another lion joke: A lion devoured all the Christians except for one who walked over to the lion and whispered something into his ear. Whereupon, the lion turned, lowered his head and went back to his cage. The spectators were amazed and asked him later what the story was. He told them: “I just whispered that “we would like for you to give a speech after dinner.”

EDUCATIONAL ANECDOTES

STRANGE MATH

Another mathematics professor at Southern Paulson University, offers this gem of a story. Dr. Wallace had devoted his entire career to the teaching of basic mathematics principles. He was a dedicated professional who never found the time to get married. Consequently, he lived alone in a small rented apartment in the city.

It was during one of the high inflationary periods that prices on necessary goods and commodities were soaring. Increased health care costs, higher insurance rates, and rising taxes were affecting everyone with limited income. You can imagine, Dr. Wallace's concern when he returned to his apartment one day and saw a notice that his rent was being increased by a whopping eighteen percent!

He, of course, sought immediate counsel with the landlord to determine the rationale for such a large increase. The landlord was more than willing to give his explanation.

"We must keep up," he said, "with the rising cost of inflation. In the last year, the cost for heating fuel increased by six percent, the telephone bills increased by six percent, and the power bills increased by six percent. As a professor of mathematics, you will quickly realize that this represents a TOTAL increase of eighteen percent. We are simply passing that increase on to you."

Dr. Wallace never tired of telling this story. He said it was very similar to another instance in his life, when one of his former students told him of success in a business venture. This young entrepreneur said that making money was no trouble at all.

"I tell you, Prof." He would say. "You just get yoreself a product that cost $1 to make, and then sell it for $4. Four percent profit ain't bad!"

Needless to say this was not one of the professor's brightest students, but his annual income far exceeded that of a college professor.

Late For School

I don’t know the source for this story, but my dad loved to tell it to his students whenever they would bring an excuse from home. It seems that a third-grader in a small country school came in about two hours late, and his teacher demanded an excuse. The boy was dirty and looked as if he’d been working in the field all morning. He set down his books, lifted his head to the teacher, and said: “Well, Miss Ledbetter, you know we’d been havin’ lots of trouble with weasels. They been robbin’ the hen house and killin’ our chickens and all. Well . . . In the middle of the night, my Paw heard a racket outside. He grabbed his double-barreled shotgun off the wall, slowly walked outside, stepped into the hen house, and cocked both barrels. Now, Paw don’t wear nothin’ but a night shirt, and as he stuck his head into the hen house door, ole brumby, our big dog, come up behind him and “cold-nosed” him on the rear. We been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this morning.

--The End--

Strange Poems

There is more poetry in this blog than I intended, but I just ran across the following poems that favorites of my father, Joseph Walter Tippens (see link to the blog of that tile), and I felt it necessary to include them for this post. These items have been passed down through the years and I have no way of determining the source, but they are humorous and I felt appropriate for this blog site.

Midnight on the Ocean

It was midnight on the ocean,
Not a street car was in sight.
The sun was shining brightly
As it rained all day that night

It was a summer night in winter
And the rain was snowing fast
A barefoot boy with shoes on
Stood sitting on the grass.

It was evening and the rising sun
Was slowly setting in the west.
The fishes in the tree tops
Were awake sleeping in their nests.


Early in the Morning

It was early in the morning
In the middle of the night.
When two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman hear the noise,
And came and killed the two dead boys.

I’m Fine

There is nothing whatever the matter with me.
I have arthritis in my back and knees.
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

My teeth eventually had to come out.
My diet I have to think about.
I’m overweight and I can’t get thin,
My appetite is sure to win;
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

Arch supports I have for my feet.
Or I wouldn’t be able to go on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
And every morning I’m a terrible sight.
My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

The moral of this as the tale is told
Is for those of us who are growing old
It’s better to say, “I’m fine!” with a grin
Than to let folks know the shape we’re in.

Me Love Done Gone

Me love done gone
Her did me dirt
Me did not know
Her was a flirt

To them who love
I would forbid
Lest they get doed
Like I been did.